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Prologue
Dorin slowly forced his hands towards the fiery gloves. Even though he claimed he was never afraid, at that moment his hands were shaking violently. If you do this you will be very, very, powerful, he told himself, running the words over and over in his head. You are Dorin, the prince, the most strong and powerful man in the world, just do it! Finally, he did it, he slammed his hands into the fiery gloves, expecting the worst, expecting the gloves to burn him up, but that is not what happened.
Dorin could feel warmth, but he was not on fire, and slowly, the fire crept up his arms, and onto his torso and legs, and finally to his head. He wasn’t on fire, he was the fire; it was like an extra skin. With a sharp cry he ran out of the cave, onto the platform of rock, and started to climb the huge cliff that went straight up above him.
As he climbed, he yelled, “Orenx, I will find you, and I will kill you! Fear me!”
On a field on the mountain of Glorath, a young shepherd sat below the only tree in the field, humming a song. His sheep were all grazing nearby, and to pass the time, the boy counted them. Seventy-three. They were all there. Then, he looked across to the unnamed cliff that lay across from him, and he saw an amazing sight. Climbing the mountain straight across from him was a fire, only it was a human form. It could only be a demon.
He crossed himself and ran away, across the fields, back to his house, closely followed by the sheep he was supposed to be watching.
In a village at the bottom of the mountains, a young girl left her house. She was tall and had long, light brown hair. She was sixteen, yet she was five feet and ten inches tall. She wore a leather hood, a tunic, and tight brown pants. This was her archery clothing, which she wore since she was going hunting. She also had a quiver that was stuffed full of arrows slung over her back, and a longbow in her hand.
She walked to the stable and saddled her horse, a red mare named Sorren. Then she mounted Sorren and rode away, going down the main road to the forest of Henrid.
As she rode under the clear blue sky, she thought about her father, he was getting even more ill than he had been before, and she was getting worried. Especially since she was hunting alone. Normally her father would never let her hunt without her brother, but now that he was so ill they had to take turns staying home to stay with their father. Luckily her mother was coming back from Lord Corum’s castle soon. But then her thoughts were cut off, because she saw something on the path ahead of her.
Sir Orenx rode his white stallion down the path, going to the Henrid Castle. He had recently been knighted, and was going to see his uncle, the Lord Corum, who was the ruler of the castle. As he rode, he whistled a tune. He could hear birds singing in the woods to his right, and as he looked at the clear sky, bright forest, and nice rolling hills, he thought of how lucky his uncle was to live here.
But then his horse suddenly stopped. He trusted his horse, more than anyone or anything else, and he immediately knew something was wrong.
Something moved in the brush to his right, and he drew his sword and turned that way, but knew right away that it was a mistake. He felt a sword at the back of his neck, and a rough voice saying, “Drop your weapon, and hand over all of your valuables.”
The King’s cousin’s son was being robbed.
Phorcys wrote:I'm not sure if the others have picked up on these but i'll stop by and add a few points.
You introduce a character and describe every part of her. This is unnecessary, the reader only needs bits and hints of the actual look of a character. The interest comes from inside of a character.
Remedy: Maybe describe just one feature, hair colour for example. Or mayber her eyes are like glass? Etc... Then now and again throughout the piece you can slip in other details.
Let us call it chapter 1. A prologue is usually set some time before the story of the main character develops - its usually some back story, not always relevant at all. I can see this is relevant to your story so lets knight it a "Chapter.2"
Remedy: Get two of your characters, take them out of your story and do a 100% dialogue with them for a page or two. Does it seem realistic? Example:
Rosin: Please, I don't want to take this any further.
Derren: But Mister Rosin, I have no choice. You see, when one makes a promise with a demon, one must adhere to it - or die.
Rosin: Don't hurt my family!
Derren: Im sorry Rosin.. I already have.
I'm not sure if the others have picked up on these but i'll stop by and add a few points.
You introduce a character and describe every part of her. This is unnecessary, the reader only needs bits and hints of the actual look of a character. The interest comes from inside of a character.
Remedy: Maybe describe just one feature, hair colour for example. Or mayber her eyes are like glass? Etc... Then now and again throughout the piece you can slip in other details.
I'm not sure if this is allowed to be a prologue Let us call it chapter 1. A prologue is usually set some time before the story of the main character develops - its usually some back story, not always relevant at all. I can see this is relevant to your story so lets knight it a "Chapter.2"
I can see the construct is good of your work. I can see if forming but some elements are missing. Your dialogue is good but not great, some of the lines are cardboard stereotypes.
Remedy: Get two of your characters, take them out of your story and do a 100% dialogue with them for a page or two. Does it seem realistic? Example:
Rosin: Please, I don't want to take this any further.
Derren: But Mister Rosin, I have no choice. You see, when one makes a promise with a demon, one must adhere to it - or die.
Rosin: Don't hurt my family!
Derren: Im sorry Rosin.. I already have.
btw, the robbers are on horse, but you don't figure that out till the next chapter
as for the others: thanks for the edits, very helpful
Ah much better, I can crit this easier. The whole chunk was a little too much at a time.
This is a pretty good beginning, you introduce the main characters and get them involved with each other in some way right off and that's good. However, you have a few common problems you could easily fix. Here are my suggestions and comments.
In a village at the bottom of the mountains, a young girl left her house. She was tall and had long, light brown hair. She was sixteen, yet she was five feet and ten inches tall. She wore a leather hood, a tunic, and tight brown pants. This was her archery clothing, which she wore since she was going hunting. She also had a quiver that was stuffed full of arrows slung over her back, and a longbow in her hand.
He could hear birds singing in the woods to his right, and as he looked at the clear sky, bright forest, and nice rolling hills, he thought of how lucky his uncle was to live here.
Something moved in the brush to his right, and he drew his sword and turned that way, but knew right away that it was a mistake. He felt a sword at the back of his neck, and a rough voice saying, “Drop your weapon, and hand over all of your valuables.”
The King’s cousin’s son was being robbed.
i've got about fifteen 8 1/2 by 11 pages of this story
on Microsoft word i think that thoughts were in italics
Good. Nice style, not too much or too little description, although a touch more dialogue might be nice, but not necessary.
Sir Woz wrote:If you do this you will be very, very, powerful, he told himself, running the words over and over in his head.
Sir Woz wrote:Climbing the mountain straight across from him was a fire, only it was a human form.
Sir Woz wrote:As she rode under the clear blue sky, she thought about her father, he was getting even more ill than he had been before, and she was getting worried.
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